Days Get Harder

Yesterday, I finally had a gigantic breakdown. I was on the watch for it and rather surprised that I hadn't leaked a single tear since the time we arrived in Afghanistan. I was starting to think that I was superwoman, but that illusion was shattered when I broke down last night while Aaron and I were watching the cheesy, rodeo movie: 8 Seconds. The famous bull-rider, Lane Frost, dies at the end of the movie and I just lost it. To my credit, it was a true story. The breakdown had nothing to do with Lane Frost, but I was feeling so many emotions at one time that I couldn't hold it in.


There's so much going on here all the time. If I'm not stressed out about something, someone else is. Everyday is a battle for me of feeling imprisoned and restricted. I feel this for all of the women in this city.  I often feel anger and resentment towards the men here. Frankly, yesterday I wanted to lock all of the men in the city in a giant prison and let the women run the town for the day. I want them to do whatever they want, go wherever they want, wear whatever they want.


Bitterness aside, I started teaching my class this week so I have the pleasure of hanging out with girls all day and getting to be a part of their worlds. This is an amazing gift. Somehow though, it hurts worse to open up relationships with these girls and realize how hard their lives are. It's easier not to get involved. Somehow though, I just can't help it; and I have a feeling that I'm meant to.

Teaching anyone is a privilege, but somehow teaching these Afghan girls feels like more of a privilege than doing anything else. On the first day of class, we talked about age and I mentioned that my birthday was coming up. The next time we had class, two of the girls brought me gifts. All of my students crowded around to see what I got and each of them hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and said, "congratulations!" Of course I told them that the correct response is happy birthday. It was one of the most joyful moments I've had here. 

I have indeed stepped foot into a different world. I admit, I'm in over my head just living here. I can't quite articulate it, but life takes on more meaning here for me. I am reminded of the precariousness of our grip on life's events and how little control we have over them. However, I also realize that I have so much more control over my daily life than the women here have. Imagine not being able to go outside of the house without asking permission, even as an adult. It gets my blood boiling.

I've also discovered just how diverse our world is and yet human beings have so many similarities. The girls in my class look so different from one another and so different from me. However, I find it so easy to connect with them. I will take pictures once I get to know the girls better. I know that many of you wish that I had more photos on my blog. It's very difficult to take pictures here without getting in big trouble, but I will try.

Though Aaron and I have gotten ourselves into lots of messes over these past seven months of marriage, it has been incredible to look back and see the fibers starting to make a pattern. It's nothing extraordinary, what we do, though some of you may think so. Normal life happens anywhere you go. I'm learning not to romanticize it, but to let it romance me. I'm beginning to see that everyday is a privilege and it holds something of value in it. I'm determined not to let it slip by.

It's as dark as night right now in the middle of the day. The electricity has been terrible of late and the day is cloudy. It's driving me insane today. I am craving sunshine and warmth. Unfortunately, I won't be getting any. Even amidst these struggles that I face and the ones I see others enduring. As I looked out of the car on the way home today and saw an old man digging for food with a stick in the sewage, I am forced to face the reality of suffering. I can't change it. I will not be able to "save" these girls in my classroom or the baby with no socks on in the street. I can't cure my own sicknesses and misfortunes either. I can however sit right down next to whoever is beside me and be a sister. No matter where we are, we can always be there for someone. We are all dying and we could all use a friend. This is one of those things that we can give even if we have nothing left in our pockets.